Getting Traction with Self-Compassion

Understand and overcome the barriers to self-compassion

I’m Back - I’ve just arrived back in Mexico City after a few months away. It’s really great to be getting settled here, which means I’ll be writing and posting more here, and I’m also opening up time to take on a few more therapeutic/coaching clients. I take an integrative approach, and like to be flexible in how I work with clients. If you think you may benefit from from therapeutic/coaching work, please reach out by replying to this email or shooting me a message at jude.integrated@gmail.com (you can also check out my website for more about my experience and how I work with clients).

Upcoming Course - I’m also gearing up to launch another cohort of my Comparative Meditation Course! Last time I tried to fit too much into each 2 hour session, so this time I’m offering 2 sessions each week, one being a lecture and discussion on the theory, the other being a live practice and exploration session (and discussion). We will be starting the week of Nov 16th. More details on this soon, but you can find initial details here.

I also wanted to thank my paid subscribers! My writing here is made possible because of you. If you appreciate my writing you can become a paid subscriber or also ❤️ and 🔁 and forward to anyone you know who may be interested. It helps a lot!

“You should practice self-compassion” is one of the most ubiquitous and cliche pieces of advice in the mental health and self-help worlds.  And for good reason!  It’s foundational to our wellbeing.  

And yet nearly everyone really struggles with this. Many avoid practicing self-compassion entirely because it feels utterly hopeless.

Why is it so difficult to get any traction around self-compassion?  I feel there are two big reasons today: the nature of our comparative/judgmental mind and also the values and scale of the culture we live in.

Cultural Context

For most of human history we lived in relatively small tribes or villages, where we had a very limited pool of people to compare ourselves to.  Most of the stories that informed our perspective of the world were myths, which offered insight into the human condition and guidance on how we can live meaningful lives.

Today the stories that inform our culture are mostly oriented around a general sense of progress and individualistic success.

If you were a musician in past times, you were only comparing yourself to a handful of other musicians, and even if you weren’t the best there was likely a place for you to play in your community.

If you are a musician today, you inevitably compare yourself to the best musicians out of billions – both in terms of skill and success.  Where in past times to be a successful musician meant playing to your community and elevating their spirits, to feel successful as a musician today is much, much more difficult.

With globalization and modern media, the scale with which we measure success has changed, leaving the vast majority of people feeling that they are always positioned somewhere towards the bottom.

Furthermore, our culture today champions individualistic exceptionalism and superficial values like physical beauty and financial success.  Even music and art are ranked according to how much money they earn.  Have you ever noticed that if you type an artist’s name into Google it will autocomplete “net worth” after?

I blame the American Dream.

The American Dream

Every culture has its own value system, a narrative that models how its citizens can live a meaningful life and gain validation and prestige from their peers and fellow citizens.

The western world is built on what I’m calling The American Dream, the idea of economic and class mobility.  In the Old World of Europe, if you were born into a lower class you’d be stuck there your entire life with no avenue to up your standard of living.  The New World offered the promise that hard work would be rewarded and there was no limit to one’s success or earnings.

The opportunity of the New World was based on freedom and competition and this led to remarkable, world changing innovation.  Countless people rose out of poverty and achieved wealth and status based on hard work and ingenuity.

But even those that achieve success are often left feeling unsatisfied and inadequate.  Because this form of individualistic success only brings about a momentary rush of achievement, often followed by a sense of lack and desire for more.

Individualistic success on its own is inherently unsatisfying, often only bringing about more of a sense of disconnection and isolation. Success is not bad in itself, only in the sense that it is often pursued at the cost of more meaningful, yet less glamorous values.

Just look at our icons of success today; a mixed bag for sure but few seem happier or more satisfied than the average person, and plenty are clearly depressed, unhappy, and/or anxious.

Individualistic success is more akin to a drug that gives a transient high but only makes one feel more hollow and isolated once it fades.  Most people, not knowing any better, simply think that there is a level of success that will ultimately satisfy.  Or maybe they are not so naive, but simply pursue more success for lack of any other meaningful direction in life, or because it is at least superficially rewarded and they need to pursue something.

It is true that we need challenges to thrive.  It has been shown we are happier and healthier when we have meaningful challenges.  But there is a hierarchy.  Some challenges are better than others; some lead to further isolation and dissatisfaction, while others lead to more satisfying feelings of connection and purpose.

While the American Dream resulted in progress and innovation in the outer world, it failed to address the deeper and more fundamental needs of our inner world.

A Better Paradigm

If we only value exceptionalism, those who rise above the pack, then what do we make of the average person?  Are they doomed to go through life feeling inadequate, never inhabiting a role or identity that they can be proud of?

I love Existential Psychology because it coaxes us to explore what is personally meaningful, and live our life aligned with that.  And I love Depth Psychology because it teaches that we must ultimately shed the cultural and social values we adopted growing up to make way for a more authentic sense of self to emerge, which reflects our unique nature and innermost values.

We need to examine our values and drives and untangle what we care about from the superficial cultural values we’ve been exposed to.  We need to ask ourselves what is important?  What kind of life do we really want to live?  How do we really want to measure ourselves?

If we blindly adopt the values of our culture we are likely to never feel good enough.  Instead, we must look deeper and ask what our unique place in the world is.

It can take a lot of trial and error to discover where and how we fit into the world, but it is well worth the exploration. 

Finding Your Place

One of the biggest obstacles to overcome when exploring these topics is separating what I will refer to as egoic desires from soul desires.  The ego wants to feel important in an individualistic sense, where the soul cares more about authenticity, integrity, beauty, and collective wellbeing.

If you are not living in alignment with your soul desires, with your innermost values, then something will always feel off.  Of course we must think pragmatically, we can’t all give up our jobs and responsibilities to pursue our soul’s calling; there is often some sort of compromise necessary, but we still must find some way to honour our soul’s calling.

What this looks like for each person is unique.  There isn’t a standard playbook here, it’s really about paying attention to one’s feelings and also the synchronicities in life.  Knowing that on some level, there is a part of you that knows what it wants, or what it must do.  Check out my piece on Depth Psychology for more on this.

Pinpointing The Moment We Lost Our Self-Compassion

Note: I have a guided meditation leading you though this practice along with other supportive materials in my Meditation for ADHD Course.

Buddhism teaches that our fundamental nature is good and compassionate.  We have this innate goodness, but it gets buried by self-judgment and ignorance in general.  Bringing insight into why and how we judge ourselves is the first step to excavating our natural goodness.

I’ve explored these topics in great depth with my client work over the last 6 years.  I’ve noticed that most people can feel a sense of compassion towards a younger version of themselves, but not so much towards their present day selves.

This got me thinking: when and why do people lose compassion for themselves?

So I started to guide people to imagine themselves first as an infant, and see if they can feel compassion towards this version of themselves.

Note: it’s common for people to not actually feel compassion during these practices for the first while, and that’s totally fine.  We just want to ask ourselves if we can get a sense of compassion towards this past version of ourselves.

In the simplest sense, this is just caring about someone’s well-being.  You don’t need to feel the warmth of compassion, you can just ask yourself if there’s a general sense of care.  Similar to how we may not feel a warm glow towards some of our friends, but we also know that we very much don’t want anything bad to happen to them.  This not wanting anything bad to happen is caring.  That’s compassion; it’s that simple.

You can try this now: simply imagine that you are with a past baby version of yourself, and notice if there is a general sense of compassion, or any judgment toward this infant.

If you can feel a general sense of compassion and care towards this baby version of yourself, then imagine yourself a few years older, a toddler now, and see if you can still feel this sense of care.

Keep exploring, at your own pace, imagining yourself a few years older each time, seeing if you can feel a sense of compassion and care towards yourself at each age.

Notice at what point compassion for yourself becomes more difficult.  Then reflect and see what was going on in your life then?  What judgment arose that made it more difficult to be self-compassionate at this time?

Overcoming Limiting Self-Beliefs

If our needs aren’t met early in life as children, we often blame ourselves.  We think that if we are not getting the love and attention we crave, it must be because something is wrong with us.

The reality is the world is tough, and raising a child is extremely difficult.  Few people have the resources they need, both inner and outer, to raise a child in an attentive, loving, and patient manner.

It is in fact impossible to be a perfect parent.  Children must experience disappointment to some degree.  If their needs are always met immediately, they will be traumatized as soon as they step out into the real world.

Central to healthy development is a principle called rupture and repair.  A child wants to eat candy for dinner, parents say no, the child gets angry and has a tantrum while parents hold their ground.  This is the rupture in the relationship.

Next comes the repair, where after the child calms down, they feel love from their parents, assuring them that even though they had a big disagreement, they are still loved and cared for.

If we don’t have these experiences of repair in early childhood, we may come to believe that we are not loved, and possibly that we are not worthy of love.  This story needs to be rewritten.

We can imagine ourselves meeting a small child version of ourselves, and be with that child in an empathetic and caring way, feeling the feelings, but rewriting the story of self-blame, taking on a more compassionate perspective.  (For more on this particular approach, check out my piece Feel the Feelings, Rewrite the Story.)

Conclusion

Ultimately there are two things we can work on if we want to develop more self-compassion. There is the simple practice of self-compassion, actually cultivating feelings of self-compassion — and then there’s also the process of examining and rewriting our stories and beliefs about ourselves that keep us stuck in a self-judgmental perspective, allowing us to adopt a more self-compassionate perspective.

Below is a guided practice exploring pragmatic methods for releasing self-judgment and cultivating self-compassion.