The Paradox of Pursuing Happiness: Insights from Existential Psychology (Part 1)
Finding fulfillment according to 3 wisdom-rich traditions
This is the first in a 3 part series exploring the idea of happiness (and really wellbeing and fulfillment) in three distinct wisdom-rich disciplines. In the next article we will explore insights from Depth Psychology, followed Buddhist Philosophy.
I used to get really annoyed by how carelessly people throw around the word “happy”.
“I just want to be happy.”
“I just want you to be happy.”
“Are you happy?”
“_____ will make me happy.”
Happiness has become a cultural ideal most of us seem to be striving for. But is anyone really happy? Is it even something we should be aiming for?
What does it even mean to be happy? (Does one need to be in a permanent state of happiness to declare oneself happy? Or are occasional fleeting experiences of happiness enough? How could we possibly measure happiness?)
You’ll find no shortage of people selling you happiness, either directly or indirectly. But often our sense of what would make us happy is misguided
You see, happiness is often associated with pleasure, or simply feeling good. Our mind makes an incorrect assumption that if we have enough things that make us feel good, then we’ll be happy.
We make some money and it feels good, and we then assume that if we just had more money — lots of money — then we would be happy. We achieve some degree of success and it feels good, and so we naturally assume that if we just had enough success, we’d be happy.
But happiness doesn’t work that way. In fact we’ve seen that once a person achieves basic financial security, more money does not correlate to more happiness (when I fact checked this I found that there is in fact a correlation for some people, but it’s a relatively small drop in the happiness bucket). When we raise our basic level of pleasure or comfort, we have a moment of pleasure or even happiness, but it doesn’t last. We quickly adjust to this new environment, and our levels of happiness and wellbeing return to their previous baseline.
In his book Stumbling on Happiness, Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert presents research finding that individuals consistently overestimate the enduring happiness they will derive from achieving their desired goals.
We even see our cultural idols of wealth and success admit to being very unhappy. Michael Phelps reported going into a deep depression after the 2012 Olympic games, where he won 4 gold medals and 2 silver. Lady Gaga, Jim Carrey, Elon Musk, and countless others have openly discussed their battles with depression.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with pursuing greatness, but many people get tunnel vision, focusing only on one type of goal, thinking it will bring fulfillment when achieved. In pursuit of a grand goal, they neglect other aspects of their lives.
This is what I think happened to Michael Phelps; he worked so hard to be the world’s fastest swimmer, sacrificing and neglecting many aspects of his life. After he won 6 medals at the Olympics he was confronted with the deep sense of lack and despair that had likely always been there, but taken a back seat to his intensive training and laser focus on competition.
It’s not uncommon that those lucky enough to achieve their dreams end up disappointed after they do.
I sometimes say that most people have a big dream that they think, if achieved, will make them happy. You either never achieve it and blame your lack of happiness on that, or you do achieve it and end up confused at the lack of fulfillment.
Why It’s So Hard to Find Real Wisdom on Happiness and Wellbeing
I’ve seen two big trends in the wellness field trying to address this issue but falling short. They are:
Setting materialistic or arbitrary goals and achieving them (or manifesting them)
Using a technique to temporarily elevate your emotional state
First off, setting goals and achieving them is actually great, and many studies show this does contribute to happiness. The reality here though is that many people set the wrong goals that actually take them further from happiness and fulfillment (we will discuss what the “right” type of goals are later in this article).
Using techniques to temporarily shift your emotional state can also be great. But these techniques usually expend a lot of energy and only bring temporary good feelings. They rely on continued effort and focus, but we inevitably tire and run out of energy, falling back to our baseline emotional state.
There are a few reasons why it’s harder to find reliable information on real happiness and fulfillment.
There is no simple formula to finding happiness and fulfillment, we are all so unique and each person must find a path that is personally resonant.
“The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.” -Carl Jung
We love simple, formulaic solutions. Standardized, structured approaches are easy to study, replicate, and sell (and also enforce quality control). So a lot of happiness research is focused on simplistic approaches that do have positive impact but fall short of what is offered in many of the richer traditions.
It is extremely difficult to study something like happiness given the complexity and diversity of the human experience. There’s no way to account for and measure the innumerable unique metrics that make up and influence each person and their environment.
People typically want simple, quick fixes; so that’s what becomes popular — and that’s what sells.
An unfortunate reality of today’s world is that most of the information we see isn’t what’s most true or helpful, but instead what most grabs attention and what sells.
There are no quick fixes for happiness and fulfillment, but we’d all like to believe there are.
I’ve come to learn a deep irony about happiness; that seeking it directly often takes us further from it.
I'm going to present three perspectives on happiness that I’ve found hugely helpful, both personally and working with clients professionally. These are not some simple techniques to make your life slightly better, these are big ideas that point to the essence of what it means to be human and live a rich, meaningful, and fulfilling life.
Through a brief exploration of Existential Psychology, Depth Psychology, and Buddhism, my hope is that you’ll better understand what happiness is and how you can find more genuine fulfillment in your life.
Existential Psychology
“The more you forget yourself in love or in work for the sake of a cause to serve or a person to love, is the very extent you will become happy.” -Viktor Frankl
Existential psychology is all about meaning. But it’s not about finding ultimate meaning in life, instead it’s about finding what’s personally meaningful.
Viktor Frankl, the father of Existential Psychology, explores this topic in his landmark book Man’s Search for Meaning. He observes that people often get caught in the traps of seeking pleasure or power, but real happiness and fulfillment come from finding a personal sense of meaning in our lives that accounts for more than our own individual wellbeing.
“Don't aim at success. The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.”
Frankl argues that seeking personal success or validation do not result in happiness; that happiness comes as a result of orienting to a larger meaning that transcends our personal and individual wellbeing.
“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”
Frankl is saying that happiness is the result of taking on meaningful responsibility. It doesn’t come from pursuing individual comfort, success, or desires. Instead of contemplating what we want out of life, we must ask what life wants from us.
To me, this addresses a huge problem in today’s culture: isolation.
Seeking individual comfort, success, power, and even happiness just further isolates us from our community, nature, and the world at large. People are much happier when they feel connected to something larger than themselves — whether it be other people, community in general, a creative process, or the natural world.
Put simply, happiness comes more from giving than from taking.
It comes from having meaningful reciprocal relationships, where we give but also receive.
Frankl also emphasized that great suffering can be endured, and hardships overcome, if we have something meaningful to carry us through.
This is not simply a theory for Frankl, but a lived experience. Man’s Search for Meaning is largely his account of living through the holocaust, losing both his wife and daughter, and surviving two years in brutal concentration camps.
He credits his survival with having a sense of meaning to carry him through. In this case it was his development of Logo Therapy (meaning therapy), which became popularized with the publishing of his book.
Drawing from Existential Philosophy, Existential Psychology explores the anxiety we inevitably face when encountering the complexities of life.
“Life cannot be lived nor can death be faced without anxiety. Anxiety is guide as well as enemy and can point the way to authentic existence.” -Irvin Yalom, Existential Psychotherapy
Existential psychologists and and philosophers both see anxiety as serving a purpose.
Kierkegaard, widely regarded as the first existential philosopher, viewed anxiety as essential because it served as a reminder of the weight that comes with the freedom of choice. He argued that actively choosing to be oneself was necessary to avoid falling into a cycle of self-loathing and despair.
By choosing to be oneself, he means making an earnest effort to explore and live by one’s own unique values.
This is no easy task, as our truest values are likely in contrast to the superficial, individualistic, achievement-oriented values of western culture.
This journey takes courage, as Existential Psychologist Rollo May points out:
“The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it's conformity.”
Orienting to and living our deepest values usually entails going against the grain in some sense. It takes courage to even begin the exploration, as there is typically little social or cultural support in this domain.
“The enemies of conformity are, of course, freedom and self awareness.” -Irvin Yalom, Existential Psychotherapy
Discovering what’s personally meaningful is an intimate exploration. For some of us it’s clear, for others it takes much or our lives to be revealed. We need to explore, follow our passions and curiosity, and look beyond our own desires and care for something larger than ourselves.
Finding what’s personally meaningful is a process, and can change and grow as we do. Don’t get fixated on one idea but remain open to possibility, taking life as an exploration and paying attention to what kinds of relationships, causes, and work feel personally resonant.
Stay tuned for my next article on Depth Psychology, where individuation, or becoming ourselves, is explored as being meaningful unto itself.
A guided meditation I made exploring how having a sense of purpose can carry us through pain and hardship.
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Thanks Jude
That is a kind way of living
To see the whole of us as equally important
It feels bigger and holding a space for all parts of us
I get caught in thinking that if I’m not happy then I’m doing it all wrong and if I am happy then I’m doing it right
But this is a narrow version of life and makes me reject myself and pull away from others, and not see the value in experiences, waiting for us to get back in the happy space where things are good again
Thank you for the article
Lovely quotes too