Too much consumption; not enough processing
In defence of letting the mind wander
Last year I started to feel a sense of pervasive anxiety. While I know this is pretty common these days, it was something I had not ever experienced before — not like this.
Yes there had been some times in the past where my life was coloured by anxiety, but this time it was different.
In the past my anxiety was the result of stressors in my life, but in the last few years I’ve created a balanced lifestyle that works for me and also worked through a lot of the pressures I used to put on myself.
I found a great sense of peace with who I was and where I was in life and felt capable handling my day to day. I was quite content with my lifestyle and my life trajectory. For years I experienced almost no anxiety at all.
But last year this anxiety kicked in, and as you may have guessed by now, it was because of all the horrible things happening in the world.
I wrestled with how much attention I’d pay to all the injustice in the world. In the past, I wouldn’t give these things too much attention, as I realized it only stressed me in a way that detracted from the impact I do have.
My philosophy was to get clear on where I can help others, and focus on that.
You see, I really do care about the wellbeing of others, but if I paid too much attention to things outside my control it would just distract me from where I do have some potential to help and support others.
But this time it was different. This time the tragedy and injustice felt closer to home. This time I got triggered at just how many people were supporting and defending these horrible acts.
Central to the teachings of Buddhism is how we relate to suffering. The Buddha taught a path to the ending of suffering. And then the second turning of the Dharma Wheel, the next movement in Buddhism — called The Mahayana — was aimed to end suffering for all beings.
It is often taught when approaching the Buddhist path that the first thing you should do, at minimum, is try not to do harm. When we harm others, we are also harming ourselves.
This is the teaching of Karma. Most people think of Karma as some cosmic point keeping system, and well that’s often how it’s taught, but I’ve come to understand it in a much more intimate way.
I don’t hold Karma as a belief so much as I’ve seen the truth of it in my being. I’ve noticed the impact of acting careless towards others, and also the impact when I’m compassionate towards others.
The way I was able to arrive at a place of peace and contentment in my personal life was a direct result of cultivating and practicing compassion. Thinking and acting selfishly just makes us more isolated and unhappy; it creates a disharmony in our being and colours our experience with dissatisfaction.
As I practiced putting aside my own ego-driven desires and shifted to being more thoughtful and caring towards others, I started to feel so much better. This created a positive feedback loop, bringing more of a sense of natural harmony through my being, and making it so utterly clear that the best thing I can do in my life — not just for others but also for myself — is to practice compassion.
Practicing compassion is really a win-win. Others benefit from our kindness and generosity, while we also clearly benefit. As this became more and more clear to me, it also became so incredibly heartbreaking to see the opposite; to see hate and violence perpetuated.
As a therapist, I’m all too familiar with the nature of trauma, and how it perpetuates through individuals and entire generations.
When I see these violent acts in the world, I can feel how they will ripple out, not just through the families and relations of the victims, but the perpetrators as well.
All the hate, violence, and indifference in the world is a lot to process. And it’s everywhere.
I realized that while I wanted to pay attention to what was happening in the world, it was A LOT to process. And I was consuming more than I could actually process, leading to this sense of pervasive anxiety.
Let me first say that if you’ve tuned out the problems of the world because you’ve found them overwhelming or disheartening, that’s ok. You do need to take care of yourself and prioritize your own wellbeing first.
But for me, I want to stay informed. The challenge though has been not overdoing it; to not be consuming more than I have the capacity to process.
In meditation there is this ideology of not engaging with thoughts. There are different approaches, depending on the practice. Sometimes we gently let the thought go and return to the breath or some other object, but sometimes the goal is actually to just let the mind do its thing, while simply trying to remain aware.
This latter practice, of letting the mind wander, is really important given the context I’ve laid out above. It can seem like a mess at first, like we’re not meditating at all, but I assure you there is value here if you take the right attitude.
And this really doesn’t need to be a formal meditation practice. For me it’s usually not. I go on walks every day, without music, without a podcast, and I just let my mind do its thing, trying to keep somewhat aware of what thoughts are coming up.
I let myself think about whatever my mind wants to think about, but I do my best to be aware about getting stuck in unhelpful loops. I don’t force my thoughts in any direction, but just approach with curiosity, noticing if I’m catastrophizing, or getting too fixated on any one topic.
Now just the noticing of these patterns, of where my thoughts naturally go, tells me a lot, and also begins to shift things. I recognize how the media I’m consuming is impacting me, and I have space to reflect on what I care about, and what I may want to direct my energy towards.
I recognize how easy it is to become addicted to consumption, how consuming is actually stimulating, and how I need time to process and also express what’s going on with me.
I start to get a sense of what I actually need; time to talk with friends, exercise and yoga or at least some light stretching, connecting to the natural world by simply appreciating the trees and flowers all around me.
It’s so easy, especially for ADHD folks like me, to get stuck in this cycle of consumption. So if you feel you may also be over-consuming, find the ways where you can give yourself time and space to simply think, reflect, and even free-associate. It’s important, and a lot of clarity can come from it.
